I'm an Introvert and Here's Proof

I have always maintained that I am an introvert, but every time I said that, it was dismissed by any listener. All my friends would cite the many times I lead meetings, the time I have addressed large audiences, and the public roles I have taken over the years.

My friends have confused shyness with introversion.

I am not shy. I am an introvert.

Sophia Dembling: Nine signs that you might be an introvert:

'via Blog this'

I am quite capable of performing in public settings - as an educator, my job demands it. When I have the chance to be alone in private, I grasp it wholeheartedly.

Those public things that I do drain my personal energy. I can do them, they simply take focus and energy. Being alone lets me recharge. I never mourn the nights I spend home alone with just me, a pen and paper or the computer or a book. Likewise, I never regret the times I spend out with my friends, but it rarely carries the same satisfaction I get sitting in my recliner.

I appreciate the article and descriptions from Dembling. Perhaps they will help my friends understand what I mean when I declare myself an introvert.

Slice

         This afternoon as I finished preparations for the work week, I spend significant time at the paper cutter. Reading the warnings about the danger of the sharp blade reminded me of the years through elementary school when we were expressly forbidden to use the paper cutter unless we had direct permission from the teacher. The ban and the warning seared the image of generations of school children missing fingers.

         That image continues to dominate my mind each time I go to the paper cutter. Using the paper cutter now, I realize they were very careless generations of school children missing fingers! Nevertheless, I focus the entire time I have that blade under my control.

         Just as I can remember the lyrics to almost every top-forty song in my high school and college years, the memory of the warnings of the dangers of paper cutters stuck with me across the years. Those memories bring both mirth and wonder: did I actually believe the teachers when they said I could chop my fingers off? Judging by where I place my hand in relation to the blade, yes, yes I do.

         Regardless of the quality of those 80’s lyrics (the best music EVER) or the honesty in my teacher’s warnings, those memories touch a deep part of my personal identity. Just as my footwear helps define me, the experiences of my childhood and youth also shape my identity. We are blessed to be more encyclopedia than periodical. No matter how we seek to shape the perceptions about us, our core being absorbs every aspect of our experience.

         We cannot control all the events around us, but we can control our response to them. Controlling the response does not mean we are not affected by the event, just that we adapt to it or we let it define us. As an adult, I know there are not generations of schoolchildren missing fingers from paper cutters, but I still keep my hand well-back from the blade while slicing through the stack of paper I have fed into the mechanism. Those years of warnings have built a healthy respect for things with sharp blades; they shaped me. I vigorously dice, chop, and shred while cooking; they did not define me. Experiences cannot be undone, but the can be managed.

These Boots Were Made For...

         For the first time in a very long time I wore boots to work. I did it because I pulled all my boots out of the closet because I finally found a place that would re-sole boots for a reasonable price - which is a challenge here in Austin. From the instant I put them on, I questioned why I ever wear anything else. These boots are made for me.

         No matter how hard I sometimes try, I cannot escape my roots. Growing up, I wore boots and I have never escaped that country part of my soul. When I am wearing boots, I am at my confident best.

         Some people consider boots to be cumbersome, weighty, uncomfortable footwear. For me, boots are the most natural, comfortable footwear available. The right boots fit me like a glove. I am me at my most when I am wearing boots.

         Perhaps it is the two inches in height I pick up while wearing boots (I do routinely say that boots are my only socially-acceptable excuse for wearing heals). There is a degree of confidence that comes with wearing footwear of such solid leather construction. Whatever there is about boots, you don’t want to challenge me when I am wearing them.

         Ultimately, though, no matter how I try, I cannot change the person I am at my core. I live in the city. I attempt to have a cosmopolitan lifestyle. I converted most of my back yard into a garden so I have a reason to have dirt under my fingernails. The central part of who I am – that person with country at the core – cannot be erased and rewritten. Contrary to what many would encourage, and what I have attempted to do for years, one does not have to change who one is to hold a particular set of values.

         I can still be a cowboy and value social justice. Actually, being a cowboy is quite compatible with social justice if one understands the history behind cowboy culture.

         I can still be a cowboy and be a voice for my students who face disadvantages due to a disability, perceived disability, or social status. Whatever there is about boots, you don’t want to challenge me when I am wearing them.

         I can still be a cowboy and be the gay man that I am. Honestly, boots make my butt look good!

         I can still be a cowboy and do everything that matters to me.

         Whenever I wake up in the morning and slip on my boots, I know these boots were made for me!

 

Work Ethic

I come from a different generation. I work hard more hours each week than I care to count. While I have my “desk” hours at work, the hours I spend in district boundaries do not begin to touch the hours of work I do. As and administrator in an education system, most people do not understand exactly what it is that I do.

I administer.

I answer questions.

I make decisions.

I talk much.

I listen more.

When I first heard the term from one of my idols in administration, lead-learner seemed to me to be a homage to the profession and to diminish the distance between classroom educators and administrators. Now that I work in administration, I cannot find any good way to explain to others just how much time I spend studying and learning more about my job, my programs, the politics of the work that I do.

I often read until late in the night though my defined bedtime is 10:00 p.m. for my alarm sounds at 5:00 a.m.

Education is about learning. Administrators who cease to learn have a very short tenure with the burgeoning research into “best practices” potentially changing from day-to-day the work we do. However, effective administrators need to know the difference between “best practices” and what will truly work in the circumstances of the particular school. Such discrimination takes constant study and learning.

When I was a student through my first Masters degree, because I had never taken a break from the education system, I never realized how much work learning is. After taking a near ten year break between earning a first and second Masters degree, I forgot the effort required to truly master new information and be a successful student.

Lead learner no longer seems to me a dismissive term. It solidly represents the work ethic it takes to be an effective leader.

Because I still have so much to learn in one of the programs I administer, I do not yet consider myself effective. I am now sufficient, but through another year of learning, I may approach the point of being effective.

Working in education takes a different kind of work than many people can understand. The work I do on one day may not show effects for months. And  it may take days of work before there is a visible product to show for the hours of mental toil.

To many may consider it to be “less-than” work, but I know I sleep well each night. I gave up long ago trying to compare my 90-hour work week to the 40-hour work week of someone in a business setting. Thirty-plus of my hours of work my occur in the recliner in my living room, but with the ultimate outcomes being what they are, they are just as strenuous and effective as the hours spent behind a desk. I take pride in the work ethic I bring to the job each and every day and look forward to many more years of active learning, of being the lead learner in my job as an example for everyone who works with me.

Goal for Living

Part of the staff development for my current job included taking the Gallup organization’s StrengthsFinder 2.0 inventory and report our findings to the director of professional development. These kinds of inventories are exactly the type of thing that fascinate me as an educator and counselor. Truth be told, it is taking these kinds of inventories that fascinate me most. With 177 forced-choices, I came away with much to think about as I tried to memorize as many of them as possible in the 20 second time frame alloted to each pair.

As with any well developed instrument, the results were entirely, “Well, duh!” to me (but perhaps, I am more attuned to myself than some people). The only thing different about it comes in the vocabulary it uses to describe and group results. They have 34 themes under four domains. When results are calculated reports are available that identify the taker’s top five themes. My top five are all spot-on and I am willing to bet the scores are so close, the order is interchangeable.

The question that nags at my brain - because it craves information and order - is “what is the order for the remaining 29 themes?” If one is at the top, certainly, one must be at the bottom.’

They really want me to pay $550 for one hour with a personal consultant to find out.

The five themes identified as my top five are (in order): Input, Learner, Achiever, Intellection, Deliberative.

Don’t they get it? With those five, I am going to figure it out for free! I am smart and determined!

I am strongest in the “Strategic Thinking” domain with three themes there - Input, Learner, Intellection and second strongest in “Executing” with Achiever and Deliberative located there.

Not surprising to those who know me well (and despite formal training and practice as a counselor) I lack any identified strengths in the “Influencing” or “Relationship Builder” domains. What it really proves to me is that I am as much the introvert as I try to convince people I am. While I have good great stage presence in front of groups, it sucks away all my personal emotional energy. When I am done with a personal appearance before an audience, I require personal alone-time to recover and re-energize. I maintain a few very close friends in my life and do not even pretend to be friends with everyone.

Yes, I know how to be social, I just don’t go ga-ga, and I do only what I need to keep in touch. Occasionally someone will strike me and I make every effort to bring that person into my circle of friends. Generally though, I am not the warm fuzzy in the room.

Still, I am proud of my strengths and they position me well for the things I want to do and goals I have. One question, asked in several ways through the inventory, revolved around the goals one has in life. While I responded that I am goal oriented, I realized I rarely write my goals in a final printed form. I have them floating around in my head, but I don’t always publish them.

That is where my brain went after taking the survey and what I imagine I will be spending the next few days doing. I want a stated goal for living; a declared purpose in life.

In the end it will likely be a “well, duh” statement, but if I have been living my life true to me, the isn’t that what it should be?

Of course, one never knows - I may quit my job, sell my house, and decide to live in a tee-pee on the Kansas plain.