Sunday, January 06, 2013

"Chaos and Piss" and Friends

         In the middle of what seemed like a crisis-a-day with various friends, each dealing with different events crashing about them, I paused to write, “the knot at the end of the rope is not for hanging onto, it is for untying so you can go a little farther.” So many friends were dealing with such different problems, I reached a point where I genuinely struggled with maintaining myself so I could continue supporting them. I began to wonder what would support me.

         It was also around the time I purchased P!nk’s newest CD. I listened to it in bits and pieces without paying much attention to what was on it. After seeing her performance of “Try” at the American Music Awards, I decided that I needed to take some time and actually listen to the music, so I did what I do when I want to focus on a song: I made myself comfortable in my recliner, opened iTunes, put the headphones on, and cranked up the volume to a comfortable level, closed my eyes, and listened.

         Confession: I have been a P!nk fan since her earliest releases. I have never been able to define a particular thing about her, but her songs and persona present a bit of fierceness that we often hide in our female musicians. Her lyrics rarely hide her intent. They are direct, brash, and strong. Her newest CD, The Truth About Love is no different. There are a few (three) songs on the CD that I will listen through, but twelve of the fifteen, I have a hard time not hitting the repeat button the moment they end. Each one has lyrics that strike me to the core. However, there is one song that I have, according to iTunes, listened to over sixty times now. “Chaos and Piss” has become my go-to song anytime I begin to feel frustrated or down.

         Every once in a while a song strikes such a deep chord that it becomes the song of the moment. I do not think “Chaos and Piss” will be a big hit on the radio, but the lyrics so strike to the heart of so much in my life right now, that I cannot ignore it. It offers both guidance and truths I need to hear. Not many songs accomplish that.

         The second verse launches into a lesson I need to learn better, “Hey, I also feel things, more than I should, I don't relax very often, as often as I could.” Feeling passionately and deeply is one reason my friends come to me when they are in crisis. I am good at empathy, but…there are things I internalize that I do not need to. I cannot be much assistance to my friends when I empathize to the point of helplessness. I try to hide my feelings, but I do feel things, more than I should.

         The chorus, though is what keeps me coming back: “I don't feel like

Coming down, no I don't; I don't feel like Hiding out, so I won't; I can't turn the volume down; So I sit here in this, Chaos and piss, Watching the storm, passing; Storms are beautiful, Right here is beautiful.” The final chorus changes the last lines to, “Watching the storm passing, Storms are beautiful;

This life is beautiful, It is...” Those final lines may be what attract me so much to the song. Despite the challenges we all face from time to time, the storms are beautiful and so is life. When we are in the middle of a crisis, we have a hard time seeing the beauty in the difficult time, but it is there.

The song came to me in the midst of a cluster of crises with friends though my own life was going well. The narrator tells the same story. She is strong despite the challenges faced by her friends and she makes a series of crucial decisions that protect her from going down “the rabbit hole” with them. As a caring helper, sometimes I have to make the decisions that keep me from ending up in the same circumstance – even if it seems cold. It is enough that I sit in the chaos and piss and watch the storm pass.

I do not know how long the song will be on my constant replay list, but for the time being it gets me through my daily struggle to remain human and be the best friend I can be to my friends.

 

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