Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Larry Craig Experiment

I keep thinking the Larry Craig event will fade into political history, but it keeps cropping up in blogs, news, and humor – just as the Republican Party feared (and I secretly hoped) it would. Since the event was essentially a he said –vs- he said event, I decided to put it to scientific reasoning. Since there are a few actions that are agreed upon (the meaning is in dispute on all of them), I put them to the test: did the action lead to pee, no pee, sex, no sex, or dancing?

In order to replicate the situation as closely as I could, I used a stall in the restroom where I work rather than my own toilet at home. Just like with the label in the restroom toilet, I was careful not to be spotted doing my experiment when someone else was in the restroom.

To easily understand it, I created a table.

Action

Pee

No Pee

Sex

No Sex

Dancing

***

Peeking in Stalls

X*

X*

Wide Stance

X

XX

Foot Tapping

X

**

X

Bending Over

X

XXX

Sitting

X

XX

Bending Over

While Sitting

X

X

*You do want to check to see if the stall is occupied before grabbing the door, so it could be for pee or sex (if the occupant is cute).

**My feet are not normally in a place that would lead to tapping during sex, but peeing is impossible while foot tapping.

***Dancing is premarital sex for Baptists.

It is time for Senator Craig to come clean (out). After my careful research, there is no way he was in that stall for its engineered purpose. Every action possibly works for sex, but peeing is only possible with two of them.

What happened to the age of investigative reporters who should have figured this out months ago? It took me getting bored while peeing one day (I had already been though a pot of coffee, so I was there for a while). But now that we have scientific proof, we can put the entire event to rest and the Republicans can adapt to having a gay senator in their midst while they continue their rhetoric of intolerance.

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