Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Misplaced Directions

Whenever I’m stressed, I find myself taking more hot bubble baths in the evening. I’ve actually been known to take two in an evening. Because I’m generally a hyper person, it can be difficult for me to sit there until the water has even begun to cool. With long days at work and all the stress, I’ve been taking quite a few baths lately and set a rule for myself to stay in the tub until all the bubbles are gone.

When I get anxious to get out, I am forced to sit very still to speed up the bubbles going away. Long ago I learned the more I splashed around, the more bubbles there would be (along with beans eaten – but I grew out of that kind of bubble bath years ago!). This forced relaxation has done wonders for my ability to actually seek and enjoy some meditative calm.

If my brain is racing, so is my body.

The bubble rule is teaching me not to think.

It was working splendidly tonight until I caught a line in bold print on the bubble bath bottle.

Directly above it are directions for using the bubble bath:

Directions: Remove cap and generously pour into the tub directly under running water while the tub is filling. Swish the bubbles around with your hand to further increase the fragrant foam and sensory experience.

Fair enough.

But am I supposed to pour the cap into the tub? Generously? Shouldn’t I be pouring the bubble solution into the tub?

And swishing the bubbles with your hand – at that point in the bath, was the last thing I wanted to do. I have discovered over time that despite the “Sugared Vanilla” name, it is neither sweet nor very much vanilla. It just makes bubbles for a short time.

That’s the real key. I could buy a certain brand to take me away, but I want to show up the next day without looking too much like a prune.

This brand is a cheap brand from a major big-box discount store. The bubbles last such a short time, I was convinced they were contaminated with lead and thus were too heavy to stand up to air pressure very long, but no – the bottle says “Made in USA.” At least I won’t die from lead poisoning. Tampering from some more nefarious substance by a disgruntled employee probably, but lead no.

Despite the poorly written directions (a hint that it did come from the USA – have you seen the literacy rate in Arkansas?), I was most disturbed by the line that came afterwards:


Yes – in bold and all caps.

I had purchased some Adult Only bubble bath at a store known for censoring the music and magazines it sells.

Sam is rolling over in his grave.

Does he have any idea what his store is promoting? Adult bathing!?!

Surely this is tabloid fodder. Clean, nice-smelling adults appear in the south!

And why are they keeping it away from adolescents? Are they afraid what they may do under the bubbles? I guess bubbles lead to premarital solo sex (masturbation for those of you who followed the big-box store link over).

What about the children? Do they think some child is going to disappear under the bubbles and never be seen again? If the parent is that incapable of watching his/her own child, I don’t think the warning is going to do any good and maybe they should have been practicing solo sex all along. If not, the Darwin Awards are there for a reason.

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