Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Good Pets Gone Bad

Recently I saw a “documentary” on Animal Planet or some such channel titled: Good Pets Gone Bad! I was expecting some bad cases of cat-scratch-fever, bird flu, and dogs that wouldn’t stop going poo (my new favorite word) in the neighbor’s yard (my neighbor, I know who you are!). Instead we were treated to the rage of a bison in Yellowstone Park which didn’t want to be petted, horses in Asia fighting over a mare, a boa which ate Fifi (as Fifi’s distraught owner TOOK PICTURES to record the demise of her beloved – I don’t even want to know what she did when her husband died!), and trained fighting dogs in the ring.

Dear Mr. Producer:

I hate to be the first to tell you that bison are not pets. Neither are wild stallions, uncaged boa constrictors, or fighting dogs. Instead of Good Pets Gone Bad I suggest you do two shows and title them Stupid People Who Get Too Close to Big Hairy Beasts and Blatant Animal Cruelty.

Sincerely,

A Loyal* Viewer

*you have to say that or they think you are some nut-job.

The show had to be a documentary: you can’t write fiction like that (though you can make it a musical).

Some of the captured footage simply consisted of people defying every particle of common sense given to humanity since the Stone Age: when a big animal looks agitated, move away!

The remainder of the footage only demonstrated the cruelty man can deceive animals into doing upon one another. Dogs and cocks trained to fight to the death has no real social, cultural, or moral value; it merely exploits an animal’s natural instincts beyond nature. One of the most graphic consisted of horse fighting. Two stallions were introduced into an arena with a mare in estrus (or sprayed to smell as if she was in estrus). The two stallions would fight to the death to mate with her.

I, on the other hand – not being a horse person – could have had much more fun with the stallions and caused much less physical trauma (though they may need counseling at a later time).

For starters, I would have introduced a single stallion into the arena after spraying his butt with the estrus scent. We could have had hours of fun as he spun himself in circles trying to catch that wily mare who stayed just behind him.

Then…

…just before he was completely exhausted, I would let in a second stallion.

“Hey, baby!”

I’m guessing stallion one gets a second wind or they both get a big surprise.

And then you win a ratings bonanza with Good Pets Gone Gay.
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