Drunk Texting

Over the years, I’ve received my share of drunk calls in the middle of the night. As far as I know, I’ve never made any, but then again, I would have been drunk so how am I to know? Friends would have told me, but strangers probably would not have recorded my number to call back and let me know.

Last week I bought a new phone – a lovely Blackberry Curve and I’m still in the process of playing with it. While waiting for some friends to join me at our usual Friday night spot for dinner, I texted a person I’m getting to know – well, after one margarita, I thought it was someone I’m getting to know.

The Curve has a great track-ball that functions like a mouse and lets one rapidly zip through the names in the address book and from function to function. It is very easy to get to where one wants on the phone, if not just past it.

My brother has the same first name as the person I’m getting to know.

The friends arrive and we’re having a great time having a few margaritas and eating dinner. I receive a texted response from the person I’m getting to know: polite and just right for the message I sent him (merely hoped he had a good week, so nothing salacious) and a promise to call over the weekend.

Monday rolled around and I had still not heard from this person I’m getting to know, but I’d had an unexpectedly hectic weekend, so I didn’t’ think much of it.

Mid-day Monday I received an email from my brother letting me know he had received my text.

I questioned him as to the content of the text message.

It was the message I “sent” the person I’m getting to know.

From now on, tricks and potential dates are getting a “phone” nickname from the first conversation on. The last thing I want to do is send my brother a text telling him just what I planned to do to him next time I see him!

Hot Stuff!

Beware “Reply All.”

Because my job sometimes requires me to send out email reminders to some 600 people at a time, I learned the value of “bcc” after just the first experience when some people responded to the entire group with a hostile response. Since that time, the large group has all been under “bcc” so any response will be minimal. I “cc” a few key people, so they will know what has been sent and anyone who needs to, can respond to the key persons.

Yesterday was one of the days I got to send out the mass email.

Today the replies started coming in.

Thank goodness for the “bcc.” The only “reply all” said:

Hey there! Whaz up hot stuff? When are we doing happy hour?

In a way, I wanted all 600 to know that I was “hot stuff,” but I’m glad only three people saw it. Those three are going to give me enough hell for a long time.

My Latex Boyfriend

As Valentine’s Day was kicking off and everyone on the radio was going on about it, I started adding up my Valentine’s Days. This year marks my forty-second trip through the holiday, though I doubt the first few years really mattered. In the 42 experiences, 40 of them have been while celebrating Singlehood Awareness Day rather than any type of romantic event. For a tightwad date like me, that’s a good thing.

The media have been filled with all the romantic (read EXPENSIVE) things to do for your loved one on this most romantic of days. I wear a Winnie the Pooh tie on which he is hanging from big red-heart balloons. I bought the tie years ago at Target for about $5 and it has given me years of service. I don’t think any of my $40 ties will ever pay off as well no matter how many times I get to wear them.

The really good news today was that the sale and promotion of sex toys was no longer banned in Texas. The Federal Court in New Orleans overturned the law banning them. Until the court action, one could not call a sex toy a sex toy, they had to be referred to as some other name, like vibrator (or for those that don’t vibrate – rubber hammer). They could be displayed as pieces of latex art, but not legally explained to cause any sexual stimulation.

But if one owned more than six pieces of latex art, one was a criminal for promoting sex toys.

Alas, now I can come clean.

My relationship no longer has to be a secret.

My latex boyfriend no longer has to be hidden – or framed.

I can now proudly parade my latex boyfriend publically without shame.

Latex boyfriends really are quite easy and effective to have:

1) He doesn’t require expensive gifts.
2) He won’t cheat – and if he does it will be as part of a three-some.
3) I can ignore him for weeks and he won’t complain.
4) He’s ready to go again after just a quick shower.
5) He lets me do all the talking!

Really – can it be any better? And now that I think of it, I have not been single on Valentine’s Day that many years after all.

Murderer

I must confess.

I’m a murderer.

Actually, it was more involuntary pescacide.

I planted some new bulbs in my aquarium a few weeks ago only to have the aquarium infested with algae within a week. I’ve done the treatments, but just could not get ahead of it, so as a last resort, I emptied most of the water and then netted the fish and placed them in an alternate, pre-prepared container. I even had the aerator going, and because it was a shallower dish, I had a rag over the top to keep any from accidentally jumping out.

After making sure I had caught all the quick little fish in the murky water, I drained the rest of the water out, washed all the accessories, and filled the tank again with water.

After letting the tank process for a while and the water reach an acceptable temperature, I took the cloth off to discover a bowl of dead fish. Only the mollies were alive.

I did everything I was supposed to do to make sure the water was ready, the right temperature, with an aerator. Everything.

I even double checked the chemicals I used in the water.

I was mortified to discover I had used the wrong water conditioner. I used the one that added healthy bacteria and such to the water, but not the one to remove chlorine.

I was mortified that I had poisoned my fish.

So until I get to the pet store and purchase some more fish, the 5 mollies have 55 gallons of playroom.

Ash Wednesday

Overheard during Ash Wednesday service following Communion:

"So much for Christ's body. I just got his fingernail!"

God is truly amazing. In that instant, he gave me and everyone around me the willpower not to bust a gut laughing.

Music for 18 Musicians

Last Sunday while preparing for church, I listened to NPR’s Weekend Edition Sunday as is my habit. Each week, just about the time I walk out the door, there is a final extended piece about an artist or a performance. This time it featured a generally unknown university music group, Grand Valley State University’s New Music Ensemble. Shortly after being formed the director announced they would be tackling Steve Reich’s Music for 18 Musicians.

Before I sound too scholarly on modern classical music, I have to admit I’d never heard of Reich or the piece Music for 18 Musicians until that story on NPR. On the whole, I know more than many about 18th, 19th, and 20th century composers up until the 1950’s, but I’m certainly not a scholar in the genre. I know very little and listen to very little music from the latter half of the 20th century.

Nevertheless, there was something that transfixed me about the music clips from the feature. It was certainly not Beethoven or even Saint Saens. This is Donnie Darko on speed. I could run to this music.

Tonight I downloaded it from iTunes and am sitting here listening to it. Modern composition generally does not move me. I find so much of it to be an academic experiment in tonal collision or atonality. Precisely for those reasons, I’m not largely a fan.

I’m writing this review as I listen to the music for the very first time. Normally I memorize a song or CD before I write about it. I could not wait that long. Ten minutes into the piece, I found that tears were streaming down my face and yet I had a pleasant, joyful smile across that same face. I was happy to overflowing and was totally enthralled by the piece.

My mind at this moment is focused on every percussive note in the forefront while stringed melodies slide in from the background.

I paused the music almost immediately after I started listening to it because my computer speakers clearly could not handle it, so I grabbed my favorite headphones so I could listen closely. One reason I like headphones for the best music is that when I’m listening, both ears are occupied, but the bulk of the tune fills my head. I can sit here with my eyes closed and “watch” the musicians play. Throughout Music, there are many instances when two of the same instrument are playing slightly different music and those occupy the ear while the other sixteen instruments/voices are crammed into my skull.

Sometimes I’m really glad Miss Davis didn’t let us look at our fingers when we learned to type. I can be absorbed in this piece and not worry about what is going on to my laptop screen.

Reich created a tune in which instrumental voices rise and fall throughout the piece and different instruments take the lead at various times. Sometimes the new instruments rush the stage and other times they are skulking about behind the scenes for a bit before one realizes they are even there. These melodies range from lullaby to frenzied metal. Something about the xylophone keeps even the most frenzied piece from inspiring anxiety in the listener. The cello contrasting violins in the background almost forces a sense of calm over the hammering xylophone.

I guess what strikes me most about it is the actual chant-like repetition of music. The repeated bars create a meditative, spiritual quality that rises above the sometimes chaotic sound. While in some cases the chaos comes from the two percussive, stringed, or woodwind instruments building into the same piece, the bars are the same and are repeated equally. Much like religious chant, the music draws one in a bit deeper with every repetition but does not allow one to sleep.

The first impression that I could run to this music has been replaced by the depth of meditation I feel with it. It has the tempo for running, but with the spirituality, I would become so engrossed I would fall off the trail. Music does not allow for quiet meditation, rather it inspires a meditative workout.

The piece just ended and I found myself letting out an extended sigh as though I had held my breath for entire hour of the performance. I want more but am resisting the urge to start over again. Honestly, I don’t know if I can take it.

You may be surprised at the idea that I have not decided if I like it or not. I do not have the frame of reference to really judge if it is a good piece or not so the decision will be purely emotional rather than scholarly. Since I mentioned earlier that the piece moved me to joyful tears as I sat enthralled, I guess I’ll have to go with an “I love it” on the emotional scale. Seriously – it is not often I can sit for an hour completely transfixed by anything, much less a classical piece I could be listening to through the stereo.

Playoffs? Who Needs 'em?

Saturday Sportscast

Playoffs? Who needs ‘em

Every year as the college bowls come to an end with the BCS National Championship game, the playoff cries crescendo. It is only heightened as the NFL playoffs get underway. I, for one, do not believe a playoff system is best for college football. I also do not think they BCS system we have in place at present is best for football either. As bad as this sounds, too much emphasis is placed on wins. If true equity were achieved in college football, wins would matter, but when some conferences like the Big 12 and especially the SEC contain so many superior teams who spend a season beating each other up, a perfect season does not mean so much – especially when it comes from another conference. LSU and Hawaii proved the point decisively this year. Despite two losses (both in triple overtime), LSU was in the National Championship game after winning the SEC conference title. There, they demolished an overhyped Ohio State team from the Big 10 conference. Ohio State experienced their second throttling in as many years from a SEC team in the championship game. With the outcry at the exclusion of Hawaii, who had a perfect seaon, ringing louder than the cheering of their fans, they went into the Sugar Bowl to face Georgia, third in the SEC. Those outcries stopped in the first quarter and were forgotten by the time Georgia walked out with a 41 -10 win. Clearly, the best record does not make for the best team. If the best record really indicated the best team, the New York Giants would not be in the Superbowl where they face the undefeated New England Patriots. If the best winning record were the indicator, either the Dallas Cowboys or the Green Bay Packers would be there to challenge the Patriots. As it is, the Giants defeated both the Cowboys and the Packers to reach the Superbowl. Along the way the Bucs, Steelers, and Colts lost in games when they were the “better” team. Although professional sports leagues actively strive for equity; each season lately has proven how much like the college conferences the different professional division are. There is an old saying that “on any given Sunday (Saturday)” any team can win. With the division of talent as it currently stands, that statement cannot honestly be said. Next season when the cries for a college playoff begins, keep in mind that a few conferences are going to internally damage one another so much that the win-loss record is going to disqualify some teams that are quite likely stronger than teams the BCS (or a playoff system) may pick. However due to the same inter-conference inequities, the best teams may or may not make it through the playoffs. And most importantly, we must keep in mind that college sports are played by student athletes. They are not professional. First and foremost, they are students. A playoff scheme only increases the time they are missing class. Tutors and academic assistance are no equal for the time spent learning and having a student life. Is it any wonder these athletes are so quick to bolt from college at professional prospects? They have not connection to the college outside the locker room. I’ll leave it to those who are smarter than me to come up with a better system for college sports. For now, I’ll just sit back in my recliner, with my laptop, and watch the games on my 50” HDTV.

Friday Foodie - Chocolate Mayo Cake

I'm a few days late: blame the cold I have...

Friday Foodie

Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake

Flavor: Rich chocolaty goodness for all chocolate freaks. One of my favorite comfort desserts.

Texture: Heavy sponge-cake feel

Satisfaction: Among the best of chocolate cakes I've ever tried.

Ingredients: 4 C Four, 2 C Sugar, 8 TBL Cocoa, 2 TSP baking powder, 2 TSP baking soda, 2 C Mayonnaise, 2 C Cold Water, 2 TSP Vanilla

Discussion: I hesitate to even put the central ingredient in the title because it is such a turn-off to many people, yet our grandmothers knew the secret of mayonnaise: mayo = egg + oil, so a recipe with those ingredients could have mayo as a replacement. Mayo has an effect on some people much as mustard has on other people – you like it or you don’t. A friend I grew up with was so freaked out by mayonnaise, Miracle-Whip, or whatever incarnation it had, he would become physically ill at even smelling it. As kids we had great fun putting mayo in the most unexpected places just to make K. hurl. Hurling is not generally a topic one brings up in a food column; however, this is the cake I served at my 40th birthday party. K ate some and I’m happy to report – he did not hurl; he didn’t even realize what was in the cake. The flavor is disguised by the rich chocolaty character of the cake. This is a favorite cake to take to picnics and parties because it travels well and does not need frosting. It comes out much like a pound cake in texture and so is ready to serve right out of the pan. I often lightly glaze the cake, bur rarely frost it since I prefer to bake it in a bundt pan. As I mentioned, the cake has the texture of a pound cake in density and moistness. It is also one of the easiest cakes I know to make from scratch as the measures are straightforward with no 1/3’s or 1/5ths. The cake can even be easily halved. Just mix, pour, cook, and serve. I mix together the dry ingredients with a wire whisk to get all the ingredients thoroughly combined. Once these ingredients have been mixed, I add the wet ingredients. Beat for two minutes. Pour into a greased 9 x 13 or bundt pan and bake for 40 to 45 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. The cake can be frosted, but as I said, I prefer to cook it in the bundt pan and lightly glaze the still warm cake. From time to time I will pour the batter into the pan in layers. Between the layer of batter I will add chocolate chips (milk chocolate are great) or peppermint chips (easily made by pulsing peppermint candies in a blender or food processor). WARNING: Do not use fat free mayonnaise or Miracle Whip. Trust me on this one! (The cake will come out about the size and texture of a spare tire.) Eat up – and let your belt out a notch!

Friday Foodie - Taco Soup

Friday Foodie

Taco Soup

Flavor: spicy with a hint of salty

Texture: substantial soft chunks with contrasting crunch

Satisfaction: in the cold of winter, this treat fills the stomach and takes the chill right out of your body

Ingredients: ground beef (or sausage), taco seasoning package, ranch dressing package, can pinto beans, can hominy, can diced Mexcian stewed tomatoes, can green chilies, onion, grated cheese, tortilla chips

Discussion: The first time I was exposed to taco soup was at an office meal. We had a monthly birthday luncheon and the food was pot-luck. On the cold, rainy, winter day, the soup hit just the right spot and has been on of my favorite winter foods since. I look forward to a cold spell so I can break out this incredibly simple and fast recipe. It is one of the dishes that is as hearty and satisfying with or without the meat. To begin, brown the meat if you choose, then add some diced onion until they are translucent. Add the package of taco seasoning spice and package of ranch dressing mix and stir together until the meat is covered. Then simply add the can of pinto beans (with jalapenos), can of hominy, can of diced tomatoes, and can of green chilies with the juices from the cans. You may need to add one can of water, but generally do not. Heat all thoroughly over medium heat. While that is simmering, I dice some more onion, grate the cheese, and crush tortilla chips for serving the meal. In serving the soup, I place a layer of crushed tortilla chips on the bottom of the bowl and ladle the soup on top. Then I will add some more tortilla chips on the top of the soup with cheese and diced onion. Some variations I make include using two cans of pinto beans (or pinto beans I had made previously and frozen) instead of meat; using one can of white and one can of yellow hominy for the variety of color; or adding a can of tomato sauce to give it a sharper, more tomatoey flavor. Taco soup makes a sizable dish any time you make it and it can easily be expanded to make more – just at more cans. As with many dishes with so many flavors, I always find it to be better on the second and third days, so I look forward to the extended cold spells when I know I’m going to look forward to a warm, very flavorful dish that I’ll enjoy having for several days. This is on of the dishes I never get tired of having in left-overs. Have a good week with lots of good food!

Vicks Trick

There is an old home-remedy that I have found to work exceptionally well in the last few days. For those with allergies or a cold that causes you to cough uncontrollably, get some Vicks VapoRub and rub it on the bottom of your feet and then wear socks. For me it works especially well at night. However, if your partner, spouse, or hook-up has a foot fetish, you may want to give them a warning.

I don't know why it works, but it has almost stopped my coughing. With all the drainage, I still cough some, but it is nothing compared to the non-stop hacking I had been doing.

I do not do what my grandfather used to do and that is heat it to a liquid and drink a teaspoon full. I just have not been able to bring myself to do that.