Inspired NOT Stressed

One of the most eye-opening discoveries in my graduate school counseling preparation was that everything is stressful and has been assigned a point value by Holmes and Rahe  on their stress scale. Even events people regarded as positives in life carry degrees of stress based on the amount of adaptation a person has to do in their life routine to adjust to the event. They connected the measure of stress to a likelihood of physical ailment based on the number of “points” accumulated in a year’s time.

Since the mid-sixties when Holmes and Rahe’s research was published, stress has become the catch-all boogey-man for any type of inconvenience we have (such as performance expectations at work). It becomes the reason for mistakes and the low-quality work. These interpretations of Holmes and Rahe’s work completely misrepresent what they believed about stress: it is necessary for life. Our reactions to the stressor are where the harm lies. Some current research reminds us of that understanding.

WATCH: Turns Out, We May Have Gotten the Science of Stress Completely Wrong | TEDTalks:

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McGonigal cites a study that reported on the effects of the view of stress and health consequences, not the stressor itself. They re-discovered that our response to stress determines the likelihood of illness and even death. Holmes and Rahe assigned the points on their scale based on the general reaction people have to the event - not the event itself. That is why the birth of a child merited fewer points than the death of a loved one. Likewise, a promotion at work scores lower than losing a job. We generally experience less disruption to life with the first examples than the second.

Since discovering the work of Holmes and Rahe in graduate school, I have considered situations differently. I work in a stressful field - education. The challenges differ from school to school and some of them are entrenched and cultural. As long as they are challenges, I have the power to seek and implement solutions that may make them less challenging. When I call them stressors, I have given up seeking solutions.

I am glad that some are beginning to reframe the conversation around stress. For so many years so much misinformation spread so widely that if the number of times a lie was repeated changed it to the truth, then stress would be the villain. Replacing the false understanding of stress with a correct one faces an uphill battle at the start, but I believe it will be readily received: the old news about stress was a tale of weakness, but the new understanding is one of power! Shifting the conversation to our response to stress rather than the stress itself puts control over it within our grasp: we control how we react. We control the effects of stress.

We control our lives. There is no longer a reason to use stress as an excuse.

These Boots Were Made For...

         For the first time in a very long time I wore boots to work. I did it because I pulled all my boots out of the closet because I finally found a place that would re-sole boots for a reasonable price - which is a challenge here in Austin. From the instant I put them on, I questioned why I ever wear anything else. These boots are made for me.

         No matter how hard I sometimes try, I cannot escape my roots. Growing up, I wore boots and I have never escaped that country part of my soul. When I am wearing boots, I am at my confident best.

         Some people consider boots to be cumbersome, weighty, uncomfortable footwear. For me, boots are the most natural, comfortable footwear available. The right boots fit me like a glove. I am me at my most when I am wearing boots.

         Perhaps it is the two inches in height I pick up while wearing boots (I do routinely say that boots are my only socially-acceptable excuse for wearing heals). There is a degree of confidence that comes with wearing footwear of such solid leather construction. Whatever there is about boots, you don’t want to challenge me when I am wearing them.

         Ultimately, though, no matter how I try, I cannot change the person I am at my core. I live in the city. I attempt to have a cosmopolitan lifestyle. I converted most of my back yard into a garden so I have a reason to have dirt under my fingernails. The central part of who I am – that person with country at the core – cannot be erased and rewritten. Contrary to what many would encourage, and what I have attempted to do for years, one does not have to change who one is to hold a particular set of values.

         I can still be a cowboy and value social justice. Actually, being a cowboy is quite compatible with social justice if one understands the history behind cowboy culture.

         I can still be a cowboy and be a voice for my students who face disadvantages due to a disability, perceived disability, or social status. Whatever there is about boots, you don’t want to challenge me when I am wearing them.

         I can still be a cowboy and be the gay man that I am. Honestly, boots make my butt look good!

         I can still be a cowboy and do everything that matters to me.

         Whenever I wake up in the morning and slip on my boots, I know these boots were made for me!

 

Lottery Bonanza

         In order to avoid as much holiday traffic as possible, I took the country-road route, as much as possible, back to Austin. The lack of traffic let my mind wander as I drove through pastoral landscapes. While taking in the beauty of undeveloped land, I merged fantasies of that landscape with the news that no one won the previous Powerball Lottery drawing. What would I do if I won $425+ million dollars?

         All my thoughts of luxurious, hedonistic living kept returning to trucks, tractors, and cows. If I won the lottery I would buy a ranch and spend the rest of my life working on it. As much as my mind could imagine, all I wanted was land, and cows, and big motorized toys. The more I thought about it, the nicer it sounded.

         I could work in the pasture all day letting my mind wander as it would, then come home in the evening and write. My best writing always comes following physical labor. Phrases and sentences simmer in the thought soup that bubbles away while my body labors at tasks that do not require much mental attention. Particularly good ones I jot down as they occur; others, I let refine.

         Of course, I love my career in education, so it would be hard for me to leave the students behind. With the lottery money, I would not really have to work for pay. I could just go into the local school and teach writing workshops. I enjoyed teaching writing much more than literature anyway. Experiencing the creativity of others is as rewarding as coming across my own perfect phrase to end the paragraph being composed.

         On my trip to see my family I listened to a series of stories based on Americans in the artist colony of Paris in the early parts of the twentieth century. Thoughts of those stories expanded my ranch vision. Beyond baling hay and raising cattle, I would host parties. With $425 million I could afford some guest quarters. They always had room for passers-by on Bonanza: I surely could too. The question I could not resolve was, “extra rooms in the big house, or separate guest houses?”

         I like my privacy. I will probably go with separate guest houses.

         And if my ranch is in Texas, I will need a Cadillac for driving to the big city so I can leave my truck out on the ranch.

         The more I considered the implications, the more I realized that winning the lottery is expensive. I do not know if I want to spend $2 on a ticket or not.

Joy that Matters

         The World English Dictionary defines joy as “a deep feeling of happiness or contentment.” I use that definition over the American standard definition of joy as a synonym for happiness. Happiness, though, comes from a surprise or something in life that delights being present: it is short term. Both life experiences and my faith have lead me to the more solid definition grounded in the words, “a deep feeling.”

         Unfortunately, as a counselor, I see too many people coming into my office with fast food emotions: they are fleeting, here now and different in a moment. Emotions are not valued and very often people do not invest in them the effort it takes to make them meaningful. Emotions exert great influence on our daily lives. Days can be ruined (or made) by those fleeting experiences to which no one else gave the least thought.

         For the last 20 years, since I came to understand that joy, real joy, cannot exist as a fleeting experience, I have sought to live my life in a search for joy. It has been both a personal and a spiritual journey to find out what it means for me. Living in joy does not mean I am happy all the time; very often I am cranky about something. Smiling does not come naturally to me; it never has. Frowning, or a non-happy expression on my face, is normal it does not mean I am unhappy or upset about something. It means I am being me. No matter my expression, my driving core emotion is joy.

         Living a life in joy means making decisions about career, relationships, faith, and budget that impact daily quality of life. My career (and the specific job I have now) reflects my personal values of social justice and social responsibility: as an educator, I have impact. I confine my relationships (friendships) to people who add value to my life – even if we disagree on key issues. My faith guides my personal values (particularly those that shape my career) and it determines my religious affiliation. How I spend my money shapes my happiness. Though I am a self-described tech-geek, I do not purchase every new toy that comes out: I have what I need. The decisions I make lead to that deep feeling of contentment with my life. I lay down at night with few regrets and wake up each morning excited about the opportunities in the day. Consciously making decisions with such a goal in mind impacts everything.

         The concept of joy in the Christian church comes from the direct connection to God. Nothing in that connection is temporal which is what makes joy different. The Old Testament and the Gospels and Epistles list joy as a characteristic of believers. Believers gain joy by having a personal connection to God that leads to the eternal promises that come with their belief. The connection to God presents itself daily.

         In the fast paced world with changes taking place faster than we can track them, contentment and joy seem like antiquated ideas. Joy, real joy, keeps us grounded like no other emotion and gives us a way to navigate the turmoil around us.