From Welcoming to Winning to Welcoming

Recently I participated in a discussion with a group of theologians who participated in an event hosted by an organization that works for full inclusion of all people in all churches. One person made a comment, meant to be encouraging at the time, that with changes in society and stories in the press, we had won. The idea, and language, of “winning church” stuck with me for the rest of the day as it bulldozed its way through my thinking and most of my individual conversations the rest of the day.

Wouldn’t we all be very happy if everyone else’s theology came into perfect alignment with our own? I have never met anyone who did not like the idea of winning, and “winning church” probably ranks as the biggest.

Deep inside, I think we all desire an end to conflict between the faiths so that the most contentious argument in Church is whether to serve regular, whole-wheat, or gluten-free communion wafers. Sadly, within major religions such as Judaism, Christianity, and Islam most of the divisions, denominations, or sects agree on the big concepts of the religion. The minutia and practice around those concepts, though create schisms large enough to dwarf the Grand Canyon. To cement the “rightness” of each point, they become so enshrined in ritual across generations that if the Torah/Bible/Koran did not say it, it should have.

Truthfully, though, I do not want another denomination or, for that matter, another individual to come into sync with my personal theology: it would diminish my personal, individual, relationship with God. I came to where I am in faith through my life experiences and my encounters with God. They are uniquely mine and have shaped nuances of faith no one else can have. The big ideas align to my faith tradition but have been buffed and polished by my experiences with God. The biggest idea in Christianity is having a personal relationship with God.

Similarly, congregational experience grows the same way through corporate worship and shared experiences. Each congregation develops its its history and tradition around those experiences. Some use the history as a guide for future work. Some get stuck in the history.

While it the idea of winning sounds nice, it does not support the value of welcoming all in the church. For someone to win, someone else loses - becoming disenfranchised and feeling unwelcome in the church. The welcoming and affirming movements within the different denominations have to recognize that we have not been successful until every child of God is welcome in every congregation. As more congregations and religious organizations adjust rules and statements of faith the more we will encounter individuals and groups who opposed those changes. They are as worthy or our love and gracious welcome as the previously excluded populations.

Welcoming is not a value extended only toward historically marginalized individuals and groups. Welcoming is a value extended to everyone. Christ left no ambiguity about who could be his follower. He traveled amongst the sinners and unclean while engaging the religious elite. He welcomed everyone.

Society may proclaim winners and losers on various issues, but we who seek justice for all cannot let ourselves adapt this kind of thinking. We have long worked to develop a kingdom view of people that welcomes everyone and affirms their value.

I admit that I am encouraged by the increase in congregations and organizations who are recognizing that Christ welcomed and affirmed all people and are seeking to become more Christlike by following his example. Meanwhile other congregations reinforce their theology that defines who can worship with them. As long as the dichotomy exists there are no winners. The best we can do is to practice grace and demonstrate the love of God.

Queso Freak

I do not know when it first came about, but a few years ago my reward for a week of eating well was a Friday night trip to one of several Tex-Mex restaurants in Austin that served what I considered to be good queso. Queso, chips, and salsa became my Friday night fix.

I could have a worse fix than queso.

At various points across the years I have had an entourage who joined me on a regular basis. We would get into such a routine that the staff knew what to bring me when I walked into the establishment. For the last year, I have mostly had my queso fix alone because my regular friends moved away or our schedules no longer align.

Does eating queso alone make me an addict?

I am somewhat picky about the queso. Heated Velveeta does not do it for me. It actually has to be some kind of cheese sauce. I also prefer the queso compuesto which means it comes with pico and meat and sometimes guacamole. I mix everything except any included guacamole into the cheese. I do not care for the avocado taste in the cheese, but I leave the guacamole floating in the hot cheese because warm guacamole actually tastes really good.

Recently I have been mastering the process of making my own queso from scratch. Getting a smooth sauce is not as difficult as I long imagined. I just had never done it right. Simply melting cheese does not a queso make.

I firmly believe that, much like bacon, cheese sauce makes almost anything better. Mastering the base for a cheese sauce allows for so many variations. One of my favorite variations involves making a smoky cheese sauce. When mixed with the right meats and pasta, it gives a sense of the grill. Properly incorporating fresh peppers into the base makes a very spicy sauce without the lumpy nature that sometimes happens when going for spicy. Using a variety of cheeses creates sauces as varied as the variety of cheeses in the fromagerie.

As much as I look forward to the queso itself on Friday nights, the real enjoyment of it comes from the company with friends and lively atmosphere in the restaurants. By going to the same ones so regularly, I recognize, and even know some of the regulars now. Despite my naturally introverted nature, I am comfortable enough in these places to relax and enjoy the company of others. Queso is just the bait to get me there.

Generations

My last living grandparent died March 25, 2013 at the age of 97. Some friends and co-workers were extending their condolences until the heard the “97” part. I have to give them some freedom to feel that way. There are very few people I know who are 46 (like me) and who still have living grandparents. Most of my friends of a like age have lost one of both parents.Indeed, I recognized how blessed I have been to have my grandparents as long as I had them all. Rather than being bogged down in grief, I celebrate the family connections I have.

     After learning the news of my grandmother’s death, I paused to say a little prayer and then went on with my day.

In all honesty, I was never as close to this set of grandparents growing up as I was to my other set of grandparents who lived down the road from me. I saw them every couple of summers when we went to Minnesota on vacation. I only ever saw my paternal grandparents a handful of times. Still, as I went through the day, grandma’s death weighed on my mind much more than I expected it would.

Today as I was cleaning some things off the desk in my home office, I came across the last letter I received from her. One of my fondest memories of her was the certainty that I would receive a birthday and Christmas card from her with a letter updating me on everything that was going on in her life.  For a person over 90, she stayed busy. The last time I saw her, she and I spent time cleaning out an aunt’s flower bed as the spring plants were getting ready to sprout.

Because I saw my paternal grandmother so rarely growing up, I am not mourning her in the same way I mourned my maternal grandparents. My grief this time is focused on the passing of a generation. She was the last grandparent I (and many of my cousins) had. The elder status has moved down to my parents’ generation, and will, in time move down to mine. It is the progression of ages.

One reason I am thinking so much about the idea of generations in the family is that there are cousins who live (or at least were raised) in Minnesota whom I have never met. They were born after I made my last visit in 1985. Visits with my relatives since then have either occurred when they passed through Austin or when I made my way up to Wichita. How will the hierarchy work in the coming generations? That I do not know many of my cousins is not unusual among my friends. Like me, because the family lives so far apart, there are relatives they have never seen.

I always wonder when I am traveling whether or not I am randomly passing by a unknown cousin. I have run into old college acquaintances in airports; I suppose a cousin would be just as likely. The cousins I have never seen are much harder to recognize.

With luck, I will be attending a conference in Minneapolis in the next few months and will have the chance to connect with some of those cousins I have not seen since the mid-80’s. (or ever). Perhaps through those contacts, the next generations can remain connected - at least somewhat as what has always been a very large family continues to grow.

Four Christmases?

The movie “Four Christmases” seemed like the most absurd of titles. Who in their right mind would have four Christmases.

I cannot say for certain that I am in my right mind, but this year, four Christmases is exactly what I am having.

Christmas # 1 took place two weekends before Christmas with my parents, and my brothers and their families. It began the festive season with a fun day seeing my parents and nephews.

Christmas # 2 took place a week later in Kansas with my uncle, aunt, cousins and their families. R. and I drove all the way to Wichita for that event, which was as usual, side-splittingly fun. The entire event is so unpredictable, that we can do little else but laugh and have fun.

Christmas # 3 took place with R.’s family in Florida. For the first time in my life, I traveled to spend the holiday with the family of someone I love. It was also the first time I met his family in person. Through the wonders of Facebook, I had been in some conversation with one of his brothers and his sister, but the holiday was actually the first time I met them in person, so that stress coupled with the holiday, but it did not diminish the good time of the holiday. I am looking forward to another fun weekend vacation with his family in a few weeks at Disney World.

Christmas # 4 will take place on New Year’s Eve, as R. and I have our time to exchange gifts. I am looking forward to this intimate time together as we exchange those things we purchased for each other. I have never given so much thought or had so much fun buying for someone else, but most of all, I look forward to that time together with him, starting our own traditions.

If the first three Christmases are any indication, this is exactly the way the holidays are meant to be. Nothing has been extraordinary by way of expense, but every gift has been thoughtful and the focus has been on relationships. With my cousins and our $1 gifts, with R.’s family and some “getting to know you” gifts, and with R. and I, the first meaningful exchange of gifts together and the time to share with one another.

I have never been a fan of the holidays, but if this year is is any indication of want can be, I may grow to enjoy them more and more.

Something to be Thankful For

I have never really lacked for things to be thankful for when Thanksgiving comes around, but this year has been exceptionally good for me and I go into the day with a true exhilaration and desire to spend it in celebration.

Back in July, I wrote about one of the things I would no longer mention in the blog because the two times I had mentioned it, that thing ceased within days. At the time I wrote it, I had actually had a date or two with someone who would become my next “unmentionable.”

He reads the blog and knows everything I say, and he gets the gentle jabs (Boys just want to shoot each other!) I throw his way. He is well aware that he is the “unmentionable.” The truth is that he means too much to me, and typing “unmentionable” everywhere I would say boyfriend or partner or otherwise infer a relationship name truly pains me. I truly am blessed to have him in my life, and this Thanksgiving, having him in my life is without a doubt what I am most thankful for.

I am thankful for the way he looks at me when he thinks I don’t see him.

I am thankful for the way his eyes scrunch up and close when he has a genuine smile on his face.

I am thankful for how often there is a smile on his face.

I am thankful that in the ways I am a “get‘er done” kind of guy, he is thoughtful and contemplative.

I am thankful for and amazed at his intelligence.

I am thankful for his independence within the relationship.

I am thankful for his eternally positive attitude - despite his caution and familiarity with the field of international disaster management.

I am thankful that he is a man of strong faith and gladly worships with me.

I am thankful that he appreciates my grouchiness and just gives me a hug and a kiss and moves on.

I am thankful for the “Ohhh La La!”, but most of all I am thankful that it does not define our relationship despite its extreme ultimate amazingness.

I am thankful that my friends and family who have met him genuinely like him.

I am thankful that I appreciate how he is always right - even when I disagree with him just to be cantankerous, he is still always right. People who know me know just how much being wrong grates on me and just what it took for me to admit that.

I am thankful that even when we disagree, I still cannot think of anyone else with whom I would rather be.

I am thankful that every day I know him, I find something more about him to like and pray that there will be many more days of discovery before us.

Courageous Conversations

The hardest conversations to have sometimes come with those we care about the most concerning the most central issues that connect us. It takes pain to move forward sometimes and feelings and egos get bruised when the conversation is most honest. Only by loving each other enough can we even begin to have such hard conversations that create broad ranging and meaningful change to the comfortable, somewhat static world we occupy.

Professionally and socially the challenge to ask a thought provoking question that tackles taboos or threatens traditions seemingly violates our established social contract to do it the way we’ve always done it and to be the way we’ve always been. After all, it was that social contract that kept us together this long. To what shall we cling if that gentleman’s understanding does not stay understood. That very risk too often makes us retreat into the half-self we become by the limits such social contracts hold us to.

Having the conversation that changes the contracts moves us beyond that half-self. We begin to move into our fuller self and as a result those under the same contract also begin to become fuller selves. None in the contract remain limited as new boundaries are drawn and additional opportunities present themselves.

Hard conversations in relationships and in organizations are sometimes avoided because one can never predict how people will react when their sacred cows are grilled for dinner. The challenge then becomes to remove unneeded emotion from the debate and find the value of alternatives either a wholesale change or minor revision may present. If emotions are withdrawn from the discussion, it is no longer a hard conversation, but unnecessary emotion can derail the conversation. Cows, if they are lucky, have a life-span in the teens. Should sacred cows be any different?

I don’t remember the last time I saw a black-and-white television set for sale in a store. We are now in a generation with everything being high-definition color. The “console” is gone and the television has become “art.” Things change. Any organization that remains black and white will soon be replaced by a high-definition organization that represents today’s standards. Tradition gives us history, but they study of history shows us that even traditions adapt to the times. Sometimes the changes are slow, and sometimes they are rapid, but the reality is that traditions change.

Lately seems to be the season for having hard conversations within different organizations with which I am affiliated. Each one has been exhausting and yet in each one, the energy at the end has far exceeded that the organization had going into it. Another of my most meaningful organizations is beginning the process of an extremely hard conversation, but given the recent history I have had with such conversations, I look forward to this coming discussion.

(Relationship) Toxic Blog

I generally try to be somewhat restrained in talking about relationships or work in a public forum such as this. I don’t go to any extraordinary measures to hide my identity, so I could be found out by lovers or co-workers (Hey there, N, L, K, J, W, and C!).

This, for me, is simply not the place to air dirty laundry.

So, I try to keep personal and work related posts to the generic, humorous, absurd, or positive.

Twice I have mentioned that I have a boyfriend.

Twice, within days of mentioning said boyfriend, the relationship has ended.

So, I have made a resolution:

Whereas every time I mention a boyfriend in a post, the relationship ends and,

Whereas I really want a stable relationship in my life;

Therefore, be it resolved that I shall never again mention any relationship by title in a blog post.

From now on, anything regarding my personal relationship status will just have to be inferred through the text - or if you know me, you can just ask me directly, but don’t sit around refreshing this page for any juicy bits.

At least, not any juicy bits about me!