My dog cannot
read. I keep buying toys for him which have labels that say they are “indestructible”
and “tear resistant.” Within hours the toy stuffing is scattered around the
house resembling a light winter snow. Again today I had to sweep the carpet of
toy fragments before vacuuming the pieces that threatened to be ground
permanently into the carpet.
Most of the
labels are in English and Spanish. They need to start writing them in Canine.
Whenever I
bring home a new indestructible toy, my roommate and I make bets on how long it
will last. Some number of hours is the standard wager.
Little did I know
I was being prophetic when I named the dog “Bart” after the hyperactive,
misadventure-prone middle child of The
Simpsons. I should have picked something heroic, but Superman, Batman,
Aquaman and Wonder Woman just did not seem appropriate for the energetic puppy.
That puppy has grown into the name and has maintained puppy levels of energy
like no dog I have ever owned. I had never encountered a Pug/Boston Terrier
cross before, so I had no idea what I was in for.
Clearly the toy
manufacturers have never encountered one either. Whenever I first present him
with a new toy that contains any kind of stuffing, he strategically picks a
point to start chewing and persists until he has worked his way through the
fabric, and then, just like with a runner in hose, he rips a hole large enough
for him to pluck out every thread of filling. He remains perfectly happy with
the floppy dismembered shreds of fabric and will carry it around like a trophy
and bring it to us for play.
I am probably
cursing myself by writing it, but also like his namesake, Bart is genuinely good
at heart and far smarter than he is given credit for being. He routinely
destroys his toys, but he does not touch other items around the house that could
be destroyed and could be mistaken for one of his toys. He knows what is safe
to touch and what is not.
A truly indestructible
pet toy has become my holy grail. Like the elusive vessel for crusaders of
history, it remains undiscovered. Despite the setbacks to date, I keep pressing
forward, certain that it will be found. Until then, my broom and vacuum stay
busy.
