Calling All Lesbians

Now is the time for all good lesbians to come to the aid of their country. The lesbians are the key to ending the war in Iraq in a matter of months.

Recently in a House Foreign Affairs Committee hearing, as representatives were grilling Secretary of State Condi Rice about the reasons the State Department was understaffed on translators. One of the representatives, Gary Ackerman of New York, in questioning Rice, asked why she had not hired the numerous military translators fired under “don’t ask don’t tell.” He pointed out:

For some reason, the military seems more afraid of gay people than they are of terrorists. They’re very brave with the terrorists, and if the terrorists ever get hold of this information, they get a platoon of lesbians to chase us out of Baghdad.

Sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

Lesbians, now is the time to join al Qaida.

I propose that we begin with a blitzkrieg of Dykes on Bikes. The military has become accustomed to identifying and defending against snipers and ieds. They are sorely prepared now to handle the thunderous onslaught of short haired women on Harleys.

We can follow the blitzkrieg with a line of lipstick lesbians. Their very presence will confuse all members of the military. They won’t be able to look at a Fatima or Skinnyma in Baghdad without wondering if she is part of the lesbian force.

Next we will send in the Home Depot Aproned Handiwomen. Who in the military can really tell if they have come to demolish or repair?

Finally, we send in the Flannel Force, the most fearsome fighters since Joan of Arc. The intensity of their slash and burn campaign will clearly demonstrate the futility of battling internal strife in a created state.

As our military retreats, under the repulse of the lesbian platoon, the residents will establish their grounds and will be able to district themselves into governable bodies. There will be bloodshed as there is in any birth, and often in death, as the two events are so closely linked. New nations will come forth and the Iraq created under Western influence (thank you France), will die.

The stasis will come, but not at the expense of American lives. As frightened as our military is of homosexuals, the waves of the lesbian platoon will make it through relatively unscathed as long as the Dykes on Bikes avoid the potholes created by the various ieds and car bombs from the last four years.